Another year, another blog post. Yes, I know exactly how sad that is – but I’ve been really busy being a person! Also, I’m not sure anyone reads this thing anyway.
Since the last time I posted, I’ve decided to become a unicorn and dyed my hair to match. I’ve had brightly colored hair for about a year now, and here’s some of my favorite comments:
- “Do you know your hair is COLOR?”
- “Oh… did you do that yourself?
- “Did you pay someone to do that?”
- “How did you do that?”
- “What color is your hair under there?”
- “How do you still have hair?”
- “You must really like attention…”
It’s my birthday, trusty blog! Another year wiser, hopefully… at the very least, maybe a little further down my road to self acceptance. A brief list of things I’ve learned are never going to change:
- I will never be accused of being quiet, understated, or subtle. I’m 99% sure I was a drag queen in a former life.
- I have the ability to make things happen; because I’m blessed, because my grandma is a witch, because I work really f-ing hard. Doesn’t matter which as long as it keeps working.
- I laugh like a man, it’s not delicate like tinkling bells, and it’s probably too late to do anything about it.
- This is a grown up as I’m ever going to get, and it’s not very grown up at all.
- I’m not a “natural” beauty girl… I love red lipstick and purple hair and bleached blonde hair. I love painting on makeup everyday. And I don’t care that boys seem to think I look prettier without a mask I have to chisel off at the end of the day, because it makes me happy.
- I still think penis jokes are funny.
- I pole, I wear stripper shoes and glittery booty shorts, I spend a good portion of my week inverted… and if that makes someone uncomfortable, they should probably just go away, because it’s not going to change.
- I’m incredibly clumsy. Seriously, I walk into glass doors, fall out of chairs, and trip over my own feet. “Awkward giraffe” is the most accurate description of me on any given day.
- Because of the two points above I will always be bruised, sometimes I draw smiley faces on them.
- There is every chance in the world that I will be a crazy old cat lady with pink hair and a sequined walker. And I’m ok with that.
There’s a difference between self-worth and self-confidence.
This has been a problem for me for a very long time. Well… maybe I need to define those first; for me self-worth is the knowledge that you as a person are worth something whereas self-confidence is the knowledge that your skills and abilities are worth something. Those might not be dictionary definitions, but that’s how I’m going to use them for purposes of the post.
I had someone at work today tell me “you’re better at your job than you think”, and it’s not the first time I’ve heard that. Same with pole, I can be hyper-self-critical to the point where I sometimes end up in tears in my car. Not because I’m actually bad but because I’m harder on myself than anyone else would be.
It’s probably got something to do with the undergrad program I went to whose basic philosophy was “make them humble through soul sucking criticism” (no really, I wish I was joking). And I work with a group of people who are culturally known for being super blunt (“you got fat!” is culturally appropriate). And the cherry on the top is that I’m a super perfectionist.
Whatever the reason, when my co-worker mentioned it, I realized that I do spend a good portion of my day worried that people are going to realize I’m not as good as I pretend to be.
So… what do I do? Well, your guess is as good as mine. Please leave suggestions because I don’t have money for therapy.
Remember those little cardboard valentines we used to give as kids? I couldn’t help but notice they looked like Magic cards. So… my valentines for this year are some basic lands! I painted happy little owls on them, and replaced the symbol with a heart. What do you think?